Illuminate

There's something beautiful about that moment when I turn the light out at the end of the day. Distractions fade into the dark stillness and the booming voice of Mind and Reason take a backseat to the gentle whispers of Heart and Spirit. It makes no sense and there's no rhyme or reasonable logic to it.

There aren't words to explain the ebb and flow of the inner tide of self. It has it's own language, it measures knowledge and understanding unlike logical thinking. It comprehends with utter certainty without knowing how it got to its conclusion. 

I lie awake and the boundaries of mind and spirit overlap. Reality and spiritual insight blur together into a surreal dream-like vision. How can I be sure? What if I'm wrong? Is this trustworthy?

Staring at the ceiling with unseeing eyes, my soul catches a glimpse of the one weighing so heavily on my heart. God, do they know you? Where are they now? Why do I carry such a burden for them in my heart? Dare I trust that you will work these things out for your good and your glory even without me ever understanding what this is?

Despite the mess of my emotions and the confliction of my thoughts, I feel the steady rhythm of the call; pray, it says. Pray and pray and pray.

So I do. I fall asleep praying and I'm awakened with the prompting to pray some more.

I still don't understand. I toss to and fro, not willing to risk that this quiet inner voice might be speaking truth. Morning comes and with daylight comes doubt - it's easy to hide behind the certainty of absolutes. Yet I have learnt to trust this inner guide. There have been times when I have heard something or felt something which I have ignored and thought of as silliness or just workings of my sub-conscious mind. But then God moves and I see that I'm mistaken. The voice is accurate and trustworthy and not just my mind running wild. 

His voice is very still, and very small. It's quiet and gentle, easy to miss. 

I have two options. I can take the risk and believe that this is from Him. Or I can ignore it. I don't know what He's asking me to pray. Only that I need to pray. Earnestly, diligently, with fervor and passion. For so long I've been asking for answers, but I'm coming to realise that it's bigger than knowing the answers to my questions. He's asking me to trust that in the midst of not knowing, He is still working out His plan and purpose. I need to be faithful and obedient and continue to follow the promptings He has placed on my heart. 

Finding a Beginning

There's been this little voice in the depths of my spirit that's been whispering "It's time to write now." It's a soft voice. But a very persistent one. Almost like that gentle voice of God beckoning me to chase after this dream that's been buried in a dark corner of my heart. And I didn't even realize how deep it went until recently. But the more I've dwelt on the prospect of writing again, the stronger the urge to get going and write. Yet fear has been holding me back. It's the old story. I've marginalized myself by underestimating the things I am able to do with a God-sized, God-inspired dream. Just the possibility of failure keeps me from launching into the unknown and claiming new ground. There's a little part of me - strike that, a big part of me that doubts myself and struggles to fully trust God. 

"Writing? I can't do that. I'm not a writer."

There are some dreams that I've put into the "It's too hard and too impossible and I'm not enough; I might even fail at it so I'll just put it aside and into the pile of 'one day' dreams instead." This is one of those. Only, 'one day' was yesterday's today. And if nothing happens today, it makes the likelihood of achieving my 'one day' dreams unlikely if not impossible. So it's time to get started.

The Spirit works in ways that are so powerful, I marvel at the mystery! He is performing an intensive work in the depth of my being and challenging my attitude toward the dreams and promises that He has put in my heart. He's made me realize that it's not me, but Him in me. And His purposes for these things are what make them worth pursuing. Despite the fear. And despite the unknown. It's true to say that His power really does work best in my weakness.

So as this realization has slowly started to bloom in my heart, I've been eager to start writing again. Only I've been stuck as to where I should begin.  In the search of a suitable reintroduction I've decided that in order to start, I just have to start. Anywhere. Simply the action of creating something from nothing, in absolutely any direction, is the breakthrough necessary to generate momentum.  I have to push my natural inclination toward perfection to one side and embrace the messy, imperfect nature of creative trial-and-error. Let's face it, there's no way to know for sure how it's going to turn out. But actually, I think that's really the beauty of it.