Look Up

I've got this sinking feeling of losing control, like things are spiraling downward in a steady nose dive. 

It's sort of a dark tunnel that I can't find my way out of. Is there even a light at the end of it? I keep putting one foot in front of the other but I don't seem to be getting any closer to the end. I'm losing motivation. Fast. And my vision dims a little bit because I'm not holding onto it as tightly as I was. 

I'm in perpetual survival mode, existing in the now and steadily losing sight of what's coming. I can't do this anymore. I've got to get a grip on this and go back to where I was before. Three-sixty, right back to the beginning and start over again. Jesus, help me to see again. Give me fresh insight and understanding and motivation to face the giants threatening to trample me. 

I am a conqueror and co-heir in Christ. I can do all things through Him who gives me strength. He is from everlasting to everlasting. Where does my help come from? From the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth. Whom shall I fear? // Rom 8:37, Rom 8:17, Phil 4:13, Ps 90:2, Ps 121:1-2, Ps 27:1

Illuminate

There's something beautiful about that moment when I turn the light out at the end of the day. Distractions fade into the dark stillness and the booming voice of Mind and Reason take a backseat to the gentle whispers of Heart and Spirit. It makes no sense and there's no rhyme or reasonable logic to it.

There aren't words to explain the ebb and flow of the inner tide of self. It has it's own language, it measures knowledge and understanding unlike logical thinking. It comprehends with utter certainty without knowing how it got to its conclusion. 

I lie awake and the boundaries of mind and spirit overlap. Reality and spiritual insight blur together into a surreal dream-like vision. How can I be sure? What if I'm wrong? Is this trustworthy?

Staring at the ceiling with unseeing eyes, my soul catches a glimpse of the one weighing so heavily on my heart. God, do they know you? Where are they now? Why do I carry such a burden for them in my heart? Dare I trust that you will work these things out for your good and your glory even without me ever understanding what this is?

Despite the mess of my emotions and the confliction of my thoughts, I feel the steady rhythm of the call; pray, it says. Pray and pray and pray.

So I do. I fall asleep praying and I'm awakened with the prompting to pray some more.

I still don't understand. I toss to and fro, not willing to risk that this quiet inner voice might be speaking truth. Morning comes and with daylight comes doubt - it's easy to hide behind the certainty of absolutes. Yet I have learnt to trust this inner guide. There have been times when I have heard something or felt something which I have ignored and thought of as silliness or just workings of my sub-conscious mind. But then God moves and I see that I'm mistaken. The voice is accurate and trustworthy and not just my mind running wild. 

His voice is very still, and very small. It's quiet and gentle, easy to miss. 

I have two options. I can take the risk and believe that this is from Him. Or I can ignore it. I don't know what He's asking me to pray. Only that I need to pray. Earnestly, diligently, with fervor and passion. For so long I've been asking for answers, but I'm coming to realise that it's bigger than knowing the answers to my questions. He's asking me to trust that in the midst of not knowing, He is still working out His plan and purpose. I need to be faithful and obedient and continue to follow the promptings He has placed on my heart. 

Some Thoughts on Procrastination and Productivity

Today I've spent some time writing a few posts that will be ready for next week. I almost can't believe that I'm so prepared. I usually don't prepare things ahead of time. I'm more of a 'just wing it' kind of blogger. But honestly, I'm struggling with this daily posting thing. It's getting quite overwhelming and whenever I start feeling overwhelmed, I usually run and hide and don't want to come out for a long, long time. 

I read a blog post at Red and Honey entitled Blogger vs. Procrastination (really loving Beth's series on Un-Blogging btw) and left a comment because honestly - procrastination is my middle name! 

Here's some of what I said:

I struggle with this one big time! And I'm not even a wife or mother. I don't know how you ladies do it! Seriously though, I do have a busy life with lots of things that pull my attention in different directions. So when I do have down time, I think I need to relax and not do anything in order to be refreshed. But really, I'm just not using my time as wisely as I should. Actually, when I invest my time into productive passions (ie. the things I do in my down time). I'm re-energizing my batteries in order to give into other areas in my life too. By procrastinating, we are really robbing ourselves of achieving our dreams and a sense of purpose and fulfillment in our day-to-day life. Easier said than done, I know. I am a terrible procrastinator and constantly have to work on staying focused and motivated to achieve the things that are so easily put off!

8 Best Tips for Avoiding Procrastination outlines some very achievable and practical tips that I think are awesome! If you fight against the Procrastination Monster like I do, I would definitely recommend it.

Overwhelmed

Sunday evening. Time to prepare for the week ahead. Only on this Sunday evening I've been struck with a feeling of complete and overwhelming panic. It feels like my ever growing to-do list has grown into a giant monster that threatens to swallow me whole. My mind rushes at a million miles an hour when I think of all the things that need to be done. And as fast as I check something off the list, there are a multitude of things to take its place. How do I live a productive and fulfilled life without freaking out every ten minuets because I can't do everything that needs to be done? Note to self - time management Jo, it's called time management.

Yet just because I'm completely overwhelmed in this feeling of inadequacy, I'm choosing to embrace it. Because this is a place where I can't live in my own strength. I need Him. I need His grace. I have to lay down my inadequacies and hang-ups and cast those worries onto Jesus. Because he can handle the things that scare me and overwhelm my soul. 

Let's face it, I can't do everything. Perfection is unattainable. Yet in His perfect love, He extends grace to my momentary freak-outs when life feels too much for me to handle. But these moments are good, they're important. Because they make me seek a little change of perspective. 

O God, listen to my cry! Hear my prayer! From the ends of the earth, I cry to you for help when my heart is overwhelmed. Lead me to the towering rock of safety, for you are my safe refuge, a fortress where my enemies cannot reach me. Let me live forever in your sanctuary, safe beneath the shelter of your wings! // Psalm 61:1-4

Finding a Beginning

There's been this little voice in the depths of my spirit that's been whispering "It's time to write now." It's a soft voice. But a very persistent one. Almost like that gentle voice of God beckoning me to chase after this dream that's been buried in a dark corner of my heart. And I didn't even realize how deep it went until recently. But the more I've dwelt on the prospect of writing again, the stronger the urge to get going and write. Yet fear has been holding me back. It's the old story. I've marginalized myself by underestimating the things I am able to do with a God-sized, God-inspired dream. Just the possibility of failure keeps me from launching into the unknown and claiming new ground. There's a little part of me - strike that, a big part of me that doubts myself and struggles to fully trust God. 

"Writing? I can't do that. I'm not a writer."

There are some dreams that I've put into the "It's too hard and too impossible and I'm not enough; I might even fail at it so I'll just put it aside and into the pile of 'one day' dreams instead." This is one of those. Only, 'one day' was yesterday's today. And if nothing happens today, it makes the likelihood of achieving my 'one day' dreams unlikely if not impossible. So it's time to get started.

The Spirit works in ways that are so powerful, I marvel at the mystery! He is performing an intensive work in the depth of my being and challenging my attitude toward the dreams and promises that He has put in my heart. He's made me realize that it's not me, but Him in me. And His purposes for these things are what make them worth pursuing. Despite the fear. And despite the unknown. It's true to say that His power really does work best in my weakness.

So as this realization has slowly started to bloom in my heart, I've been eager to start writing again. Only I've been stuck as to where I should begin.  In the search of a suitable reintroduction I've decided that in order to start, I just have to start. Anywhere. Simply the action of creating something from nothing, in absolutely any direction, is the breakthrough necessary to generate momentum.  I have to push my natural inclination toward perfection to one side and embrace the messy, imperfect nature of creative trial-and-error. Let's face it, there's no way to know for sure how it's going to turn out. But actually, I think that's really the beauty of it.