Mondays + Mutism

I hate today. It's Monday.

I hate it because I HAD to get out of bed this morning. No sleeping in allowed on Mondays. Doesn't mean I don't dual with my alarm clock though! 

Monday is groan-worthy. I have to crawl out of my small and very comfortable dream world and join the real one. I don't like it nearly as much.

Just saying.

I love today. It's Monday.

I have six children in my class and that's a very nice number. Two of my children go home at midday and my babies are happy - no teething, no temperature, just happy. Which makes me very happy.

I love quiet days like today. It means that I don't need to talk the whole day long to every person at every moment.

This is how I was meant to live.

Last week I lost my voice. For one day. It's hard navigating the challenges of my normal work day and in spite of the additional challenge of not having a voice, I had a really good day. This may sound strange but I really liked not being able to speak. It forced me to slow down a bit, to notice the nuances in my day - answering a child's need without asking, just meeting it because I saw it. I might have missed it otherwise. 

It was strange and kinda funny to see how others reacted to my quietude. Most thought there was something wrong with me and asked if I was okay. They were satisfied with my whispered answer that I had lost my voice. But what if I hadn't lost my voice? If it was in perfect working order and I chose not to use it twenty hours of the day? Would people still look for a reason behind my reserve? 

I'm going to be bold here and say yes, they would. In fact, I know they would.

As a child I had an anxiety disorder called selective mutism. Here's some information about selective mutism - thank you Wikipedia. I would often have the desire to speak to someone, but the fear of doing so overwhelmed me in such a paralyzing way that it was virtually impossible for words to escape my mouth. Lots of people wondered about this and asked my parents what was wrong with me. Because not talking at all in not normal.

Since then I've learnt that as much as not talking is abnormal, so too is talking too little. When I'm quiet, people sometimes think there is something wrong. But they're wrong. There's nothing wrong at all. If you were wondering, no, I'm no longer affected by selective mutism. Certainly not to the degree that I was as a child. But I'm not completely unaffected either. I crave the mental space and freedom that silence gives. My voice combined with the myriad of others, the interactions that come with it cause me to feel an uncomfortable sense of dread and impending doom. Things get just a little bit much, a bit confusing and a lot overwhelming. I need these quiet days to balance that out and keep me sane and functional. 

Here's to Mondays - good for the mind and the soul and for the heart to overflow with warm fuzzies.

Selah

This is a pause. Empty space doesn't always have to be filled. Tonight I'm savouring the silence...

Hush

It's 11:39 and I arrived home ten minuets ago. I'm so tired that I can't think straight and I can't see straight either. 

Sometimes you've got to know when it's time to say something and when it's time to shut your big mouth. It's a fine balance and one that I often err on the side of caution for fear that I will say something I'll later regret. Painful and better-forgotten things are always said in a moment of foolish thoughtlessness. 

Enough said. I'm going to shut my mouth now and leave you with some of my favourites from Emily's 31 Days of Hush so far: 

Quiet is My New Loud // 5 Surprising Essentials For a Great Party

Illuminate

There's something beautiful about that moment when I turn the light out at the end of the day. Distractions fade into the dark stillness and the booming voice of Mind and Reason take a backseat to the gentle whispers of Heart and Spirit. It makes no sense and there's no rhyme or reasonable logic to it.

There aren't words to explain the ebb and flow of the inner tide of self. It has it's own language, it measures knowledge and understanding unlike logical thinking. It comprehends with utter certainty without knowing how it got to its conclusion. 

I lie awake and the boundaries of mind and spirit overlap. Reality and spiritual insight blur together into a surreal dream-like vision. How can I be sure? What if I'm wrong? Is this trustworthy?

Staring at the ceiling with unseeing eyes, my soul catches a glimpse of the one weighing so heavily on my heart. God, do they know you? Where are they now? Why do I carry such a burden for them in my heart? Dare I trust that you will work these things out for your good and your glory even without me ever understanding what this is?

Despite the mess of my emotions and the confliction of my thoughts, I feel the steady rhythm of the call; pray, it says. Pray and pray and pray.

So I do. I fall asleep praying and I'm awakened with the prompting to pray some more.

I still don't understand. I toss to and fro, not willing to risk that this quiet inner voice might be speaking truth. Morning comes and with daylight comes doubt - it's easy to hide behind the certainty of absolutes. Yet I have learnt to trust this inner guide. There have been times when I have heard something or felt something which I have ignored and thought of as silliness or just workings of my sub-conscious mind. But then God moves and I see that I'm mistaken. The voice is accurate and trustworthy and not just my mind running wild. 

His voice is very still, and very small. It's quiet and gentle, easy to miss. 

I have two options. I can take the risk and believe that this is from Him. Or I can ignore it. I don't know what He's asking me to pray. Only that I need to pray. Earnestly, diligently, with fervor and passion. For so long I've been asking for answers, but I'm coming to realise that it's bigger than knowing the answers to my questions. He's asking me to trust that in the midst of not knowing, He is still working out His plan and purpose. I need to be faithful and obedient and continue to follow the promptings He has placed on my heart. 

Renewal

I'm not going to lie, there are some days when all I want to do is sit around the house doing absolutely nothing. Today has been one of those days - I've been in my pyjamas all day and I've done nothing productive!

I know that this might come across as laziness, and really it is, but there are times when it's important for me to slow down to almost a complete standstill. So often my calender is full of 'stuff' and busyness that I forget to stop and take the time to rest and rejuvenate. Yet I need to. In order to continue giving into the things that I invest my time in, I have to make sure that I invest in renewing my energy reserves too.

Renewal happens from the inside. And in order for me to be renewed, I need headspace to struggle with and work through issues that affect my week and weigh on my heart. I need to leave room in my busy schedule to let God work. And that requires time. Time that sometimes means that I do nothing outwardly in order to be inwardly productive, to cultivate my inner life.

In order to be poured out, we first need to be filled. And as we move through our busy lives, we need to continually be filled. I don't know about you, but it's too hard constantly running on empty. Renewal is an ongoing process. And He gives it at any time, in any circumstance - it's completely limitless.

Disappearing Acts

Hi everyone, I'm back! Finally, you might add! It's only been six months. So much has happened. But let me just start with saying that it's so good to be here again.

Welcome to the new blog. I know I've said this before but, I hope this is it. No more switching to a new domain address every year. That being one of the reasons that I did change my address - instead of having a blog that was based on a theme (because let's face it, the theme changes all the time), it made more sense to put all the themes under one banner; me. So, here it is. This is me in written form.

As much as I needed some time away from blogging, I have missed it. On some days, I sat down to write but nothing came. So I stopped trying and put it on the shelf for awhile. I knew that God was drawing me into a season of quiet, so I surrendered and weeks passed without me writing anything. When I did start writing again, it still felt stilted and unnatural but nevertheless I chronicled what God was speaking to me about during my season of quiet. It's been such an amazing time of stillness and resting in Jesus, of boundless personal growth and depth. My relationship with Him has grown deeper and fuller than ever before. He's led me in a direction that He knew I needed. Perhaps not one that I would have chosen, but definitely one that has been significant in my walk with Him. And that nullifies any objection I have about saying no to writing publicly for a season.

Over the coming weeks, I'll be sharing with you some of my adventures. I also have lots of plans and ideas for the blog floating around in my brain. As you might notice, I'm under construction... *sigh* bare with me friends. This is a work in progress.

It's time to dust off that shelf and start writing again. I hope that you'll stick around and share this journey with me. Hopefully without any more disappearing acts!

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