Mondays + Mutism

I hate today. It's Monday.

I hate it because I HAD to get out of bed this morning. No sleeping in allowed on Mondays. Doesn't mean I don't dual with my alarm clock though! 

Monday is groan-worthy. I have to crawl out of my small and very comfortable dream world and join the real one. I don't like it nearly as much.

Just saying.

I love today. It's Monday.

I have six children in my class and that's a very nice number. Two of my children go home at midday and my babies are happy - no teething, no temperature, just happy. Which makes me very happy.

I love quiet days like today. It means that I don't need to talk the whole day long to every person at every moment.

This is how I was meant to live.

Last week I lost my voice. For one day. It's hard navigating the challenges of my normal work day and in spite of the additional challenge of not having a voice, I had a really good day. This may sound strange but I really liked not being able to speak. It forced me to slow down a bit, to notice the nuances in my day - answering a child's need without asking, just meeting it because I saw it. I might have missed it otherwise. 

It was strange and kinda funny to see how others reacted to my quietude. Most thought there was something wrong with me and asked if I was okay. They were satisfied with my whispered answer that I had lost my voice. But what if I hadn't lost my voice? If it was in perfect working order and I chose not to use it twenty hours of the day? Would people still look for a reason behind my reserve? 

I'm going to be bold here and say yes, they would. In fact, I know they would.

As a child I had an anxiety disorder called selective mutism. Here's some information about selective mutism - thank you Wikipedia. I would often have the desire to speak to someone, but the fear of doing so overwhelmed me in such a paralyzing way that it was virtually impossible for words to escape my mouth. Lots of people wondered about this and asked my parents what was wrong with me. Because not talking at all in not normal.

Since then I've learnt that as much as not talking is abnormal, so too is talking too little. When I'm quiet, people sometimes think there is something wrong. But they're wrong. There's nothing wrong at all. If you were wondering, no, I'm no longer affected by selective mutism. Certainly not to the degree that I was as a child. But I'm not completely unaffected either. I crave the mental space and freedom that silence gives. My voice combined with the myriad of others, the interactions that come with it cause me to feel an uncomfortable sense of dread and impending doom. Things get just a little bit much, a bit confusing and a lot overwhelming. I need these quiet days to balance that out and keep me sane and functional. 

Here's to Mondays - good for the mind and the soul and for the heart to overflow with warm fuzzies.

Selah

This is a pause. Empty space doesn't always have to be filled. Tonight I'm savouring the silence...

Sleep

It's late and my brain has gone into shut down mode. I have nothing inspired to say. I can't hardly think straight. All I want to do is get ready for bed and drift off into a deep sleep without waking till morning. So while I do that, here are some inspired thoughts on sleep by Arianna Huffington, co-founder and editor-in-chief of The Huffington Post. 

"The way to a more productive, more inspired, more joyful life is getting enough sleep."

Renewal

I'm not going to lie, there are some days when all I want to do is sit around the house doing absolutely nothing. Today has been one of those days - I've been in my pyjamas all day and I've done nothing productive!

I know that this might come across as laziness, and really it is, but there are times when it's important for me to slow down to almost a complete standstill. So often my calender is full of 'stuff' and busyness that I forget to stop and take the time to rest and rejuvenate. Yet I need to. In order to continue giving into the things that I invest my time in, I have to make sure that I invest in renewing my energy reserves too.

Renewal happens from the inside. And in order for me to be renewed, I need headspace to struggle with and work through issues that affect my week and weigh on my heart. I need to leave room in my busy schedule to let God work. And that requires time. Time that sometimes means that I do nothing outwardly in order to be inwardly productive, to cultivate my inner life.

In order to be poured out, we first need to be filled. And as we move through our busy lives, we need to continually be filled. I don't know about you, but it's too hard constantly running on empty. Renewal is an ongoing process. And He gives it at any time, in any circumstance - it's completely limitless.