Mondays + Mutism

I hate today. It's Monday.

I hate it because I HAD to get out of bed this morning. No sleeping in allowed on Mondays. Doesn't mean I don't dual with my alarm clock though! 

Monday is groan-worthy. I have to crawl out of my small and very comfortable dream world and join the real one. I don't like it nearly as much.

Just saying.

I love today. It's Monday.

I have six children in my class and that's a very nice number. Two of my children go home at midday and my babies are happy - no teething, no temperature, just happy. Which makes me very happy.

I love quiet days like today. It means that I don't need to talk the whole day long to every person at every moment.

This is how I was meant to live.

Last week I lost my voice. For one day. It's hard navigating the challenges of my normal work day and in spite of the additional challenge of not having a voice, I had a really good day. This may sound strange but I really liked not being able to speak. It forced me to slow down a bit, to notice the nuances in my day - answering a child's need without asking, just meeting it because I saw it. I might have missed it otherwise. 

It was strange and kinda funny to see how others reacted to my quietude. Most thought there was something wrong with me and asked if I was okay. They were satisfied with my whispered answer that I had lost my voice. But what if I hadn't lost my voice? If it was in perfect working order and I chose not to use it twenty hours of the day? Would people still look for a reason behind my reserve? 

I'm going to be bold here and say yes, they would. In fact, I know they would.

As a child I had an anxiety disorder called selective mutism. Here's some information about selective mutism - thank you Wikipedia. I would often have the desire to speak to someone, but the fear of doing so overwhelmed me in such a paralyzing way that it was virtually impossible for words to escape my mouth. Lots of people wondered about this and asked my parents what was wrong with me. Because not talking at all in not normal.

Since then I've learnt that as much as not talking is abnormal, so too is talking too little. When I'm quiet, people sometimes think there is something wrong. But they're wrong. There's nothing wrong at all. If you were wondering, no, I'm no longer affected by selective mutism. Certainly not to the degree that I was as a child. But I'm not completely unaffected either. I crave the mental space and freedom that silence gives. My voice combined with the myriad of others, the interactions that come with it cause me to feel an uncomfortable sense of dread and impending doom. Things get just a little bit much, a bit confusing and a lot overwhelming. I need these quiet days to balance that out and keep me sane and functional. 

Here's to Mondays - good for the mind and the soul and for the heart to overflow with warm fuzzies.

Twenty on a Tuesday

A bunch of random, fun questions that I answered on my quiet Tuesday evening. So here you go...

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? 

Short answer: Yes. 

Long answer: Funny story - When I was named, my parents only gave me a first name, which was after my maternal grandmother. After my family immigrated to New Zealand and went through the process of applying for citizenship some years later, I was able to legally 'change' my full name to include a middle name. So I'm in the unique position of being able to have chosen my own middle name, which was after my great grandmother on my dads side.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? 

Last week. I can't remember which day.

3. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR CAR?

Silver.

4. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? 

Sort of. Not my own, but I am crazy in love with the babies in my class. I am so incredibly proud of my 'children'!

5. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? 

What kind of question is this?! Of course!

6. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?

This is an easy one - and that would be a big NO! I have been given the opportunity and I turned it down. I am keen to go sky diving though. Don't know how that one works but there you go.

7. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? 

Vanilla Bean.

8. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? 

My boss. Oooo, exciting I know!

9. MOUNTAIN HIDEAWAY OR BEACH HOUSE?

This is a tough one. Can I say both?!

10. HAIR COLOR? 

Dark blonde.

11. EYE COLOR? 

Bluish green or greenish blue. I don't really know.

12. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? 

Sometimes. I wear frames most of the time and contacts when I can be bothered.

13. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? 

Definitely happy endings. I hate scary movies. With. a passion.

14. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? 

Lullaby for Pi - loved it.

15. SUMMER OR WINTER? 

Winter.

16. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING AT THE MOMENT? 

This is a love story by Jessica Thompson. It's a re-read so it's a goody.

17. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO AT THE MOMENT? 

Take me somewhere nice by Sky Sailing. It's on repeat.

18. WHERE IS THE FURTHEST PLACE YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?

Scotland.

19. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? 

South Africa.

20. WHERE ARE YOU LIVING NOW?

Auckland. It's in New Zealand. Thought I'd add that in just in case ;)

Want to have a go? Copy and paste the questions and leave me a link to your blog or wherever you're posting it. Or fill it out in the comments section below. Ready...

GO!

In Which the Silence is Broken

oh wow, long pause...

I seem to be in the habit of taking long pauses and habitual breaks from blogging (ugh, still hate that word so much i hate whomever came up with it).  

So during my three month absence, what have I been up to?

I worked very hard. Despite the fact that I love my job, I sometimes also really hate it. The end of last year got very muddy and yucky in the professional department of my life. Things were confusing and downright depressing. The week before Christmas saw a possible redundancy. Need I say more? Yeah, not so great on top of other stressful things that happened at work to dampen the holiday cheer.

But thankfully, thankfully...Christmas holidays meant a trip away. Two weeks out of my life to forget about my problems...bliss. I went to Australia to see my parents (they happen to have done this crazy thing last year where they moved to another country - yeah, crazy). 

But a good excuse to travel right?

A little bit of Christmas magic

That's right friends - 46 degrees. Living on the edge.

High tea with a view.

Oh my goodness, this cutie!!

???

Postcard-worthy

Koala!!!! In the wild ahhh!!!

Right. Definitely a good excuse to travel. 

Since I've been back, it's more work - gosh my life sounds boring - and also some other stuff that is still brewing in my mind and heart. Maybe I will share some of that with you later. Maybe not. For now though...

hi.

Selah

This is a pause. Empty space doesn't always have to be filled. Tonight I'm savouring the silence...

Prayer

Earlier this year I read an amazing book by Cindy Jacobs called The Power of Persistent Prayer. Honestly, it changed the way I thought about prayer. And the way that I actually, well, prayed. I wholeheartedly recommend it.

I had been considering what it was to pray. How does one go about praying? What makes prayer more than just talking to God? How do I, in my prayer life, commune with Him in a deeper and more intimate way? Prayer is amazing, and it's so much more than just taking our problems to God.

I'm fascinated with the mystery of worship and its capacity to be an active expression of prayer. Our worship is not a separate entity to our prayer. There is so much about worship that is connected with prayer. They compliment and strengthen one another. They go hand-in-hand.

I have discovered the amazing power of declaring God's will over my life and the divine authority that He has given through His Holy Spirit to claim victory. I can approach His throne with boldness and confidence that He will hear me and answer me. These are areas that I often neglect in my prayer life. I've always felt unworthy of asking God for things which I think I don't deserve. The thing is, I don't deserve them. God still wants to bless me but He also want's me to ask. I'm guilty of leaving out the asking step but expecting God to deliver. Don't you think that's unfair on God? Ask, and you shall receive, right? Not think or imagine or wish. Ask. If you don't ask, you most likely won't get. And as much as I run the risk of getting a 'No', I won't get a 'Yes' without asking either.

The other day I was pondering a problem. I caught myself worrying over something when I should've given the problem straight to God. Such an easy pit to fall into. It seems like such a logical thing to do, to surrender that thing and lay it at the feet of Jesus. But it's almost never my first response. I tend to hold it close, letting the big problem fester into a bigger problem that seems insurmountable the more I consider it. As I reigned my thinking in and gave the problem over to God, I was reminded of the verse: Do not be anxious about anything, but in prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God // Philippians 4:6. So simple. Yet how I over-complicate things! Instead of wasting all that energy on worrying over my problem, I have only to present it to God, tell him about it and surrender it to his care. Seriously, how easy. If only that were always my first action instead of my late reaction.

We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified. What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all - how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? // Romans 8:26-32 

This thing called prayer is so mysterious. It connects us to the very heart of God. But it's up to us to cultivate the connection. So let's do it! What have we got to lose?